Rat tail sighting...seriously.

Today, while making my way through the mall on a mission to return some items, I spotted a woman at the Piercing Pagoda whose 'do warranted a double take. I admit, at first, I was unsure the individual was indeed female. I only saw the back of her head and thought for sure that: 1) the rat tail was eradicated in 1986, and 2) prior to 1986, most of the individuals sporting the tail were males. Piercing Pagoda lady completely upended both of my theories: it is not 1986 and SHE was sporting a mangy looking rat tail. Moreover, her bangs were platinum blond and the rest of her hair was jet black. I don't think any of this was an accident: she was intentionally sporting a rat tail and we all know the intentional rat tail is the worst kind there is. Now, let's be honest, there's been a time or two in our own lives when something went terribly awry in the stylist's chair and you walked away with Farrah Fawcett wings, a mullet, a mushroom, or a helmet, none of which you actually requested by name or implication.

I remember back in 1996, Friends was the rage and I, like every other high school girl in America, wanted Rachel's long layers. I had the long, shoulder length hair necessary for such a 'do and brought in pictures to show my stylist. An hour later I sat staring into the mirror at someone with short, two-inch layers from the crown of her head all the way to her shoulders. This was NOT the Rachel; this was a feathered mullet. It was all I could do to choke back the mixture of horror, bewilderment and panic that inched its way up my esophagus. I composed my young self and made it to the car before bursting into tears. I had to sport that stinkin' mullet for three months before it finally grew out enough to fashion into something less mullet-like. It was awful.


It was quite clear to me that the situation on the back of the Piercing Pagoda lady's head was nothing like the Botched Rachel Cut of '96. If I hadn't been in such a state of shock, I surely would have snapped a picture to post but my world was in the middle of being rocked so, alas, no picture. I will try to pull myself together next time and get the photographic evidence.

An open letter to Toyota

Dear Japanese makers of cars:

I applaud your efforts with the witty "Swagger Wagon" campaign to reinvent the minivan's, specifically the Toyota Sienna's, image. I admit: I propagate the stigma against the minivan. It likely stems from my years in high school driving a tan minivan with faux wood paneling. I assure you that driving a minivan into the school parking lot does nothing to improve your social standing. I digress. Your commercials attesting to the coolness of the Sienna minivan are both creative and humorous, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4, but I fear you do not know what you are up against.

The soccer moms toting their broods to music lessons and swim practice are not the problem, it's the fringe group of the minivan driving population that is ruining it for everyone. For example, today while refueling at a local petrol station, I witnessed a 65+ year old woman wearing a dangerously low-slung strapless bathing suit, very short shorty shorts and flip flops paying the cashier (what happened to "no shirt, no shoes, no service"?). Suddenly, four cop cars pulled up outside along with a fire truck full of EMTs and I thought for sure they were there to arrest this woman and cart her off to fashion prison. They walked right past her and started attending to a guy standing in front of the rotating corn dog cookers who was feeling faint. I'm no medical expert but I'd blame the ghastly looking sausages that had been slow-cooking on those hot rollers for who knows how long for his feelings of faintingness but that is neither here nor there.

The lady with the barely hanging on bathing suit strode out the door before I could issue a citizen's arrest and climbed into her vehicle. Imagine my surprise to discover she was not driving a bright red Firebird but a light blue minivan. The last I saw of her she was driving away, sans seatbelt, munching on some Doritos and looking quite naked. There is not a compilation of lyrics and sound editing that could bring any cool to that situation.

I also wanted to make you aware of this:
Yes, it is indeed a midnight blue, low rider minivan with tinted windows, pimped out rims and a spoiler.

I wanted you to know what you are up against. For every dollar you spend on your positive image campaign, another dollar is spent on airbrushing a lioness and her cubs to the back doors of a midnight blue minivan. Good luck and Godspeed.

Virtual regards,
Call Me Alise