An open letter to Toyota

Dear Japanese makers of cars:

I applaud your efforts with the witty "Swagger Wagon" campaign to reinvent the minivan's, specifically the Toyota Sienna's, image. I admit: I propagate the stigma against the minivan. It likely stems from my years in high school driving a tan minivan with faux wood paneling. I assure you that driving a minivan into the school parking lot does nothing to improve your social standing. I digress. Your commercials attesting to the coolness of the Sienna minivan are both creative and humorous, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql-N3F1FhW4, but I fear you do not know what you are up against.

The soccer moms toting their broods to music lessons and swim practice are not the problem, it's the fringe group of the minivan driving population that is ruining it for everyone. For example, today while refueling at a local petrol station, I witnessed a 65+ year old woman wearing a dangerously low-slung strapless bathing suit, very short shorty shorts and flip flops paying the cashier (what happened to "no shirt, no shoes, no service"?). Suddenly, four cop cars pulled up outside along with a fire truck full of EMTs and I thought for sure they were there to arrest this woman and cart her off to fashion prison. They walked right past her and started attending to a guy standing in front of the rotating corn dog cookers who was feeling faint. I'm no medical expert but I'd blame the ghastly looking sausages that had been slow-cooking on those hot rollers for who knows how long for his feelings of faintingness but that is neither here nor there.

The lady with the barely hanging on bathing suit strode out the door before I could issue a citizen's arrest and climbed into her vehicle. Imagine my surprise to discover she was not driving a bright red Firebird but a light blue minivan. The last I saw of her she was driving away, sans seatbelt, munching on some Doritos and looking quite naked. There is not a compilation of lyrics and sound editing that could bring any cool to that situation.

I also wanted to make you aware of this:
Yes, it is indeed a midnight blue, low rider minivan with tinted windows, pimped out rims and a spoiler.

I wanted you to know what you are up against. For every dollar you spend on your positive image campaign, another dollar is spent on airbrushing a lioness and her cubs to the back doors of a midnight blue minivan. Good luck and Godspeed.

Virtual regards,
Call Me Alise