Waterpark

Let me put this out there: I detest waterparks. And not a little bit of detesting, I'm talking big time detestment. I think waterparks are largely unsafe (I know some will disagree with me, but when I see a 14 year old "water attendant" that straightened her hair and put on heavy black eyeliner just to come to work at a WATERPARK, I get a little worried that maybe she isn't there because my safety is paramount in her mind. I'm just saying.) and the communal bathing nature of the place makes my skin crawl. Deep down I know there is enough chlorine in that water to shave a few years off of my life, but I just can't get past all of those bare feet and bodies carrying around who knows what, sloshing around in the same water. Bleh.


With all of that said, I have a confession: I recently frequented a waterpark. I contend that I was made to go to this place against my will in the name of forced family fun. My six and three year old nieces are all about the waterpark and love to frolic in the very waters that make me cringe. Oh, and my husband loves waterparks. I'm not quite sure how we skipped over this in pre-marital counseling, but I'm quite certain that if I had known this about the future father of my children, I may have insisted on a prenup.


Earlier in the day I went to the new grocery store in my hometown (which is just lovely by the way and I would shop there every week if I lived there) and I purchased some Little Swimmers for the Infant (I know, the very fact that I even considered taking the Infant to the waterpark shows that I clearly was not of sound mind). I purchased the Little Swimmers the same way I purchase regular diapers: I look for the for the size I need, I grab them from the shelf and throw them in the cart. I do not look to see if there are any Disney or Sesame Street characters on said diapers that would blatantly tell strangers that the Infant is definitely a male or female if they happened to see him stripped down to the diaper. Diapers are largely gender neutral which is why I wasn't worried when I pulled the package off the shelf. When I got home and removed said swim pants (that word totally cracks me up) from the package, I realized the ones I selected were indeed heavily genderized. And by heavily, I mean they were hot pink with Ariel from the Little Mermaid on the front and back of the swim pants. Nice. Please see the image on the bottom of the picture below. That's what I'm talking about.

So, we go to the waterpark with the Infant dressed in girly swim pants and my heart rate picks up the moment we step in the front door. My eyes burn from the overuse of chlorine and I'm doing my best to avoid making any contact with the floor or anything at all. This was made quite difficult given that bare feet are required at the water park and the nieces were already pulling me toward the slides. So, I did it: I went in the water. The water was too cold for the Infant so I had to venture into the hot tub, which really was more of a lukewarm tub of grossness rather than a true hot tub. This seriously goes against everything I believe in. I feel like everything I stood for was just swept away with the murky waters of the Avalanche slide.

Two days later and I'm still reeling. Ugh.

The haircut

I love getting my hair cut. I love the way it smells afterward and no matter how much of the product I purchase, it never smells the same. I also love that my stylist takes way more time styling my hair than I usually do which makes it sleek and shiny and exactly the way I wish I could make it look everyday with minimal effort. But, by far, my favorite part about going to my stylist is the sheer entertainment she (she is super hip and fun) and her clients provide.

For example, at an appointment several months ago, I witnessed the following conversation between a client and two of the stylists:

Client: I'm excited that my boyfriend and I are going to San Antonio next year for the world AA Convention [Alcoholics Anonymous].
Stylist #2: Are you pregnant? [total non-sequitur]
Stylist #1: No, AA! Her boyfriend speaks to AA groups.
Stylist #2: Oh, does he have a story?
Client: He speaks to groups around here.
Stylist #2: Yeah, but he is speaking from experience?
Client: He's a speaker.
Stylist #2: Did he kill someone?
Client: No! What?
Stylist #2: That's usually what makes AA people tell their story to large groups, if they kill someone while drinking and driving.
Client: No, I think the longest that he's spent in jail was like 18 hours.
Stylist #1: What!? For what?
Client: Once for drunk driving and a couple of times for possession.
Stylist #1: A couple of times!?!?!? Oh my gosh.
Client: He's two years sober.

I really can't describe to you how difficult it was for me to control my facial expressions to keep the "someone call for help" look off of my face.

I had an appointment yesterday and it did not disappoint. I learned something new about the world of waxing: nose waxing. Under the impression we were talking about the exterior of the nose I asked if there were really that many people out there with excess hair on their noses. My stylist quickly informed me that she was talking about the interior of the nose. My heart almost stopped. Apparently, hard wax on a stick is used. It sounded incredibly painful and when I asked if her clients asked for that service she said that several of her male clients did. She said that, Fred, a particularly furry client of hers, had it done and, bless him, needs to have it done again but she's afraid to bring it up to him because the last time he was silent for five minutes afterward and she thought he was trying not to cry. I told her she might want leave that one alone.

Getting my hair cut has never been so much fun and I LOVE it!

The smell of Christmas

Despite listening to Christmas music for the past month, I needed more to really get me into the holiday spirit. I had visions of how I could decorate our home with sprigs of holly, boughs of greens and a boxwood wreath to adorn the front door. It was the perfect Martha Stewart home in my mind and I had already decorated the trees on our front stoop with some minimal, yet tasteful, white lights, dusted off the Christmas dish towels and hung the Santa with bells on the back of the door, but I needed to make a trip to the local nursery to bring it all together.

On Saturday, I went to my favorite nursery where the people are friendly and are incredibly patient when I'm looking for something yay high but not this, this or that. While they didn't have the boxwood wreath I'd been dreaming about, they did have a wide assortment of fresh cut greens and the whole greenery section smelled just wonderful. So, I selected my greens and wreath and made my way inside to pay for them. I was standing in line behind a woman with a basket of ornaments and a gold plastic mini-Christmas tree. She eyed my greenery selection and asked me if I would be using the greens to spruce up my wreath. I told her that I would be using the cut greens to adorn my mantle. She pointed to the Juniper branches in my hands and said, "Oh, watch out for the smell of those." Puzzled, I asked her what she meant and she said, "They smell terrible." The look of confusion on my face caused her to add a "to me they smell terrible" at the end. I told her I thought they smelled like Christmas and I wanted my house to smell of Christmas. As if me standing in line with the branches in my hand was not a clear indication that I was indeed happy with their fragrance, she continued with her campaign of dissuasion and said: "Well, I think they smell like cat urine." And there it was. I was momentarily struck speechless but soon recovered with a lame "oh, well..." response. Then I started questioning myself: was I really about to make our home smell of cat urine? That certainly isn't a very Christmasy scent. I surmised that I was not going to take advice from a plastic-gold-Christmas-tree-buying-too-much-information-supplying woman and I proceeded to checkout.

I told the tale to Benny K and he has not failed in questioning whether the greens smell wonderful or the other alternative several times a day. My mantle looks lovely with the greenery and some faux berry vine I picked up earlier in the week and I have not once regretted my purchase. If I could only find our Christmas stockings, my vision would be complete.

Finally, greetings to Bethesda, Maryland's newest resident, James Paul. I can't wait to meet your small acquaintance!

Cutbacks

Given the state of the economy and the national fervor to cut back, I, too, decided it time was for cutbacks. Not across the board, but I decided to target our diaper expenditures. I'm a Pampers loyalist but a friend of a friend espoused the quality of the Target brand diaper and I thought that going the cheaper route would allow me to increase my purchasing power in other areas like shoes. I figured that with all of the savings, I'd be able to purchase the Vivienne Westwood Anglomania Ultragirl flats that I've been eyeing for months. I confidently laid out my plan to Benny K and he explained to me that my math was slightly off. Dang you Algebra II! Apparently, my big savings might only net me a couple of meals at Taco Bell, not the darling shoes I've been yearning for. Sigh.

Even with my shoe plan derailed, I purchased a trial pack of Target brand diapers just to see if the switch was even worth it. It isn't. They are not soft and they smell all chemical-ly. I know, I know, all diapers contain serious chemical compounds, I mean, how else would they be able to do their job? And I do love chemicals (I even have the t-shirt to prove it). But at least Pampers does a nice job of disguising the chemical smell under an artificial smell of baby powder. Ahhh, the marvels of modern science. Oh, and the very day I introduced the new diapers, the Little Nugget started waking up in the middle of the night and refused to go back to sleep in a timely fashion. I blame Target.

Do not worry Ultragirl flats of my dreams: I will find you and make you my very own. And that is a promise.

Moving and shaking

So, this is happening in our household and the little mover and shaker is becoming much more adept at crawling which means we can't look away for even a moment. He is everywhere.

Stapler mystery solved

If you would like the origins of the stapler that was discovered on the porch steps in my backyard last week to remain a mystery then do not read any further. For those inquiring minds that could not possibly enjoy their Thanksgiving turkey and stuffing without knowing where the stapler came from, have I got a gem of a tale for you!

In addition to the mystery stapler on the back steps, a mini pitch fork type tool was also left in the backyard. Since our neighbor kid had done some earlier work in the backyard (none of which required a stapler...or a pitch fork for that matter), I figured I'd start with him. I'd told him all week to come by and pick up his tools but he's 14 so, of course, he forgot. Whilst DJ Sammy was taking a break from mixing sweet tunes to nap, I journeyed across the street to the neighbor kid's house to find he and his twin brother on the roof trying to hang Christmas lights. The Christmas light hanging has been going on all week and every time I look out of the window I'm convinced I'm going to see one or both of them in a mangled heap in their front yard. On Sunday, Benny K went over to see if they were in compliance with OSHA regulations and found their "safety" practices left much to be desired.

Today, there was a single rope hanging across the roof with a metal swing dangling from the end of it. I commented that the situation did not look safe and one of the twins said that the rope could hold 600 pounds. Since the rope was in no way tethered to either boy, I asked how the rope did them any good? The shorter of the twins said it was perfectly safe because they were staying within an arm's length of the rope at all times so if they started to fall, they would just grab it. I said that sounded like it might work if they had ninja-like reflexes and they assured me that was the case. Oh, and the swing was attached to the end of the rope because they hadn't gotten around to cutting it off yet (I don't even know what that means or why the swing needed a 50 foot nylon rope attachment but the boys are 14 and I'm sure there is much I do not understand) and they assured me they were not using the swing as a harness to hang off of the roof. I'm not convinced.

I digress...

The stapler! After the conversation about the unsafe Christmas light hanging boondoggle, I asked the taller twin if the stapler belonged to him. This is how the conversation went (I will remind you, the twins are 14):

Me: Hey, I found this stapler in the back yard with some staples, does it belong to you?
Tall twin: Oh yeah, thanks, that is mine.
Me: What exactly were you stapling in our backyard?
Tall twin: Oh nothing. I found the stapler in my pocket while I was working and just set it down on the steps. I must have forgotten about it.
Me: You found the stapler in your pocket? Why did you have a stapler with extra staples in your pocket?
Tall twin: I don't know. I guess I was stapling something at some point.

Touche, tall twin, touche.

Tasty

Wanting my home to smell delicious and convince anyone walking through our front door of my domestic prowess, I made bread...from scratch. The smell is simply intoxicating and reminds me of home. And not only is the smell something you want to bottle up and spritz it all over your house on the evenings when cereal is all that is planned for dinner, fresh bread is just so tasty.

Last week, I experimented with wheat bread and last evening I tried a cinnamon swirl recipe that I highly recommend. It's from my Shenandoah Valley Mennonite cookbook so you know it's going to be some good eatin'. I've included the recipe below for your own enjoyment. The crust was nice and crusty and the inside was warm, gooey and 100 percent delicious!

Cinnamon Swirl Bread Recipe

Yield: 2 loaves

Ingredients:
1/2 cup warm water
2 packs dry yeast
1 cup milk, scalded
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp. salt
1 egg, slightly beaten
2/3 cup orange juice
7 to 7 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tbsp. ground cinnamon
2 tbsp. melted butter

Directions:
1. Combine 1/2 cup warm water, 2 packs dry yeast and 1 tbsp. sugar (from the 1/2 cup you'll use later) and stir until dissolved. Set aside.
2. Combine milk, shortening, sugar (the 1/2 cup less 1 tbsp.) and salt and stir until melted. Let cool until lukewarm and then add yeast mixture from step 1.
3. Add egg, orange juice (you may omit orange juice and use milk instead) and 2 cups flour. Mix until smooth. Let rest 10 minutes.
4. Add 5 to 5 1/2 cups more of flour and knead until smooth and elastic.
5. Grease top of dough and place in a greased bowl. Cover and let rise until doubled. Punch down. Divide dough into two balls. Let rest until 10 minutes. Roll each into a 7x15 rectangle 1/2 inch thick.
6. Combine 1/2 cup brown sugar and 1 tbsp. ground cinnamon in small bowl.
7. Melt 2 tbsp. of butter and brush onto dough. Sprinkle brown sugar mixture onto dough.
8. Roll up rectangles jelly-roll fashion and place in 2 greased 9x5 loaf pans sealed side down. Grease tops with oil or melted butter. Let rise until doubled again. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes. Remove from oven and grease tops with butter while hot.
9. Remove from pans and let cool.
10. Slice and devour. You won't be able to help yourself!